09-23-2021, 01:25 AM
Hey d.alien-
Short poems are so very difficult to offer constructive critique, especially when so well done, like this one. Each word carries so much weight; heck, even punctuation. I like the sliciing of the "S" sounds in this one- very effective.
Cut Dawn not a fan of titles for haiku
Wounded sky seeps red great opening line!
on slit silk cloud-kimono bit of a tongue twister, but cool image
sun-slain night expires. not sure of this ending. It's preceded by such strong images
A suggestion:
Wounded sky seeps red
on slit silk cloud-kimono-
sun-slain night bleeds dawn.
Short poems are so very difficult to offer constructive critique, especially when so well done, like this one. Each word carries so much weight; heck, even punctuation. I like the sliciing of the "S" sounds in this one- very effective.
Cut Dawn not a fan of titles for haiku
Wounded sky seeps red great opening line!
on slit silk cloud-kimono bit of a tongue twister, but cool image
sun-slain night expires. not sure of this ending. It's preceded by such strong images
A suggestion:
Wounded sky seeps red
on slit silk cloud-kimono-
sun-slain night bleeds dawn.