08-19-2021, 07:59 PM
.
Hi TqB.
The Byzantine ................... agree with Tiger about the title, though that and the second verse got me as far as circular chess (which was interesting, but ...)
There's an engaging rhythm and rhyme hidden in the first verse, here's a step towards it .
I was drunk at our first tryst
you led me up dark wooden stairs,
to your apartment We kissed.
As my tongue went searching
down your torso and you whispered .......................'torso' is a poor word choice, I think.
“There might be a little blood"
(I think if this was more 'regular/structured' it might show that N has something of the control and skill they claim to have at the end.)
S2.
Too much melodrama in this verse, for me - the 'pawn' and 'endgame heart' lies - and the 'confessing' never seems to lead anywhere. Can't you tie it and the 'heart breaking' back to 'blood'?
Is any/all of it really necessary? It feels a little muddled.
I had a tab of Purple Dragon,
you said "I want to watch you
take it, that stuff is truth serum”
but I took the acid without you. ......... we know it's acid, anything better here? And 'took' after 'take'?
Alone, on my bed I called home,
from the dilapidated GI housing
stared at the moon and laughed gleefully,
thinking of how I’d won a woman
in the underground war that sex has always been. ............ doesn't feel much like a 'truth'
S4.
It's a long way to go for the end line (and why isn't 'A Good Citizen of Byzantium' the title?) and it feels like a prose explanation. Not convinced at all the N is 'devious, an actor'.
Looking forward to the next draft.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB.
The Byzantine ................... agree with Tiger about the title, though that and the second verse got me as far as circular chess (which was interesting, but ...)
There's an engaging rhythm and rhyme hidden in the first verse, here's a step towards it .
I was drunk at our first tryst
you led me up dark wooden stairs,
to your apartment We kissed.
As my tongue went searching
down your torso and you whispered .......................'torso' is a poor word choice, I think.
“There might be a little blood"
(I think if this was more 'regular/structured' it might show that N has something of the control and skill they claim to have at the end.)
S2.
Too much melodrama in this verse, for me - the 'pawn' and 'endgame heart' lies - and the 'confessing' never seems to lead anywhere. Can't you tie it and the 'heart breaking' back to 'blood'?
Is any/all of it really necessary? It feels a little muddled.
I had a tab of Purple Dragon,
you said "I want to watch you
take it, that stuff is truth serum”
but I took the acid without you. ......... we know it's acid, anything better here? And 'took' after 'take'?
Alone, on my bed I called home,
from the dilapidated GI housing
stared at the moon and laughed gleefully,
thinking of how I’d won a woman
in the underground war that sex has always been. ............ doesn't feel much like a 'truth'
S4.
It's a long way to go for the end line (and why isn't 'A Good Citizen of Byzantium' the title?) and it feels like a prose explanation. Not convinced at all the N is 'devious, an actor'.
Looking forward to the next draft.
Best, Knot
.