Guadalupe River Haiku - edit

[Magpie]

Hi there, I really like the image that you've got here, however I feel that your adherence to the 5-7-5 syllable structure is somewhat cluttering the poem. I won't get into the reasons why 5-7-5 is not necessary although I do understand why people use it as I use to use it myself. So that said, in the spirit of brevity I think a simplified version of your poem could possibly give more. I agree with Mark in that the new moon is a better image to represent abandonment.

Young hawks cry hunger.
Abandoned like the new moon,
their plaint cuts the night.

could be reduced to


young hawks cry
abandoned -
a new moon

I do like the image that you've got here and think it is very worthy of a haiku,

thanks for the read

Mark