06-21-2021, 09:56 PM
I like this. Those who are unfamiliar with the US national anthem may miss some of the references/insertions (particularly from its second verse) but most will recognize the source of those from the first verse.
I read it (in basic critique) as a prose poem in the manner of a contemporary diary or stream of consciousness. As such, my only criticism is that the language is slightly more modern than I'd expect from a *written* diary of that era (and the spelling is too accurate
). In particular, writers of that time might have tried to shield readers (especially women) from battlefield realities such as splattered brains and spontaneous voiding in extreme fear or death. In that sense it reads more like a First World War piece, though as stream-of-consciousness this criticism would not apply.
For that matter, a contemporary (pre-WWI) reader would have likely taken this at face value, harrowing but inspiring, perhaps brought up short at times by the lese-majeste of incorporating phrases from the anthem. An inter-war or post-Vietnam reader would, instead, likely find it deeply cynical. "Red Badge of Courage," anyone?
Depending on what you want, those effects could be amplified or repressed.
On the whole, I think it's a very good start, and an interesting idea the effect of which depends greatly on what the reader brings to it.
I read it (in basic critique) as a prose poem in the manner of a contemporary diary or stream of consciousness. As such, my only criticism is that the language is slightly more modern than I'd expect from a *written* diary of that era (and the spelling is too accurate
). In particular, writers of that time might have tried to shield readers (especially women) from battlefield realities such as splattered brains and spontaneous voiding in extreme fear or death. In that sense it reads more like a First World War piece, though as stream-of-consciousness this criticism would not apply.For that matter, a contemporary (pre-WWI) reader would have likely taken this at face value, harrowing but inspiring, perhaps brought up short at times by the lese-majeste of incorporating phrases from the anthem. An inter-war or post-Vietnam reader would, instead, likely find it deeply cynical. "Red Badge of Courage," anyone?
Depending on what you want, those effects could be amplified or repressed.
On the whole, I think it's a very good start, and an interesting idea the effect of which depends greatly on what the reader brings to it.
Non-practicing atheist