05-06-2021, 08:57 PM
Hey duke- of course, I mean thick skinned as a compliment- your ability to consider critque, even in BASIC...
I still think this poem needs way more onomatopoeia to convey the idea of the dryer balls sounding like charging cavalry. Honestly, "booms" is about it.
Laundry-room booms:
pants and woolly balls
meant to part them
flop and thunder in the dryer this where syncopated sounds really need to pick up
random kettle-pounding
like camel-slung tympani sorry, but I can't hear the tympani: telling is not showing
beating fervent pas de charge
for scimitar-spinning cavalry
in brisk bright dawning
of Islamic empire.In any short poem, the word choices are critical, and are always interpreted as intentional. Ending like this and singling out the cavalry as Islamic is very unfortunate TO ME- I would fear an on-rushing calvalry, and (history lessons aside) this ending comes off as a bit more than subtly Islamaphobic (TO ME). I really think that calvalry, in a generic sense, would leave it to the reader to choose which empire may come to mind. I could go on, and on, but I won't.
All that said, onomatopoeia, meter variation are still needed here: creation of sound ...
Mark
I still think this poem needs way more onomatopoeia to convey the idea of the dryer balls sounding like charging cavalry. Honestly, "booms" is about it.
Laundry-room booms:
pants and woolly balls
meant to part them
flop and thunder in the dryer this where syncopated sounds really need to pick up
random kettle-pounding
like camel-slung tympani sorry, but I can't hear the tympani: telling is not showing
beating fervent pas de charge
for scimitar-spinning cavalry
in brisk bright dawning
of Islamic empire.In any short poem, the word choices are critical, and are always interpreted as intentional. Ending like this and singling out the cavalry as Islamic is very unfortunate TO ME- I would fear an on-rushing calvalry, and (history lessons aside) this ending comes off as a bit more than subtly Islamaphobic (TO ME). I really think that calvalry, in a generic sense, would leave it to the reader to choose which empire may come to mind. I could go on, and on, but I won't.
All that said, onomatopoeia, meter variation are still needed here: creation of sound ...
Mark