05-05-2021, 06:20 AM
I know this is BASIC, but you have a thick skin...
War Drum
Electric dryer loaded with the type of dryer doesn't matter to me, unless there's some specific reason for the difference.
half-damp clothes and you know better than to turn on "and"
woolly balls intended to I'm hoping for MORE SOUND - maybe anapests with spondees thrown in
keep them separate
thunders random kettle-drumming
from the laundry alcove I already know this is about laundry
like camel-slung tympani ok but...
beating a fervent charge for
scimitar-wielding Muslim cavalryyou completely lose me here. I have no idea what "muslim cavalry" sounded like, and neither do you. Sure, we can imagine it, but our imaginations would not convey the terror that must've brought. Laundry is terrifying?
in their bright dawn of empire. The poem has veered completely off course here, for me.
Is this a poem about mundane laundry, or a time period that neither of us can accurately impart? What I needed from this piece was THE SOUND of the tennis balls thumping away. That is why I recommend --/ anapests, and // spondees, intermixed to convey that. The whole bit about MUSLIM CAVALRY is misplaced in this piece, as it could be any cavalry, BUT I need to HEAR it within the cadence and word choices.
BASICally, that's it,
Mark
War Drum
Electric dryer loaded with the type of dryer doesn't matter to me, unless there's some specific reason for the difference.
half-damp clothes and you know better than to turn on "and"
woolly balls intended to I'm hoping for MORE SOUND - maybe anapests with spondees thrown in
keep them separate
thunders random kettle-drumming
from the laundry alcove I already know this is about laundry
like camel-slung tympani ok but...
beating a fervent charge for
scimitar-wielding Muslim cavalryyou completely lose me here. I have no idea what "muslim cavalry" sounded like, and neither do you. Sure, we can imagine it, but our imaginations would not convey the terror that must've brought. Laundry is terrifying?
in their bright dawn of empire. The poem has veered completely off course here, for me.
Is this a poem about mundane laundry, or a time period that neither of us can accurately impart? What I needed from this piece was THE SOUND of the tennis balls thumping away. That is why I recommend --/ anapests, and // spondees, intermixed to convey that. The whole bit about MUSLIM CAVALRY is misplaced in this piece, as it could be any cavalry, BUT I need to HEAR it within the cadence and word choices.
BASICally, that's it,
Mark