05-05-2021, 12:43 AM
.
Hi Duke,
don't know about 'improved' but ...
I'd cut the 'random kettle-drumming', you've drum in the title, and (beating) tympani two lines later,
so it seems redundant. Similarly 'Muslim' (camels, scimitar and empire combine without it needing
to be hammered home.). Lastly, perhaps two verses? Leastly, some commas
(Probably too much of) a cut n paste
from the laundry alcove
my Electric dryer
loaded with half-damp clothes
woolly balls to keep them separate
thunders
like camel-slung tympani
beating a fervent charge
for scimitar-wielding cavalry
in the bright dawn of empire.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Duke,
don't know about 'improved' but ...
I'd cut the 'random kettle-drumming', you've drum in the title, and (beating) tympani two lines later,
so it seems redundant. Similarly 'Muslim' (camels, scimitar and empire combine without it needing
to be hammered home.). Lastly, perhaps two verses? Leastly, some commas
(Probably too much of) a cut n paste
from the laundry alcove
my Electric dryer
loaded with half-damp clothes
woolly balls to keep them separate
thunders
like camel-slung tympani
beating a fervent charge
for scimitar-wielding cavalry
in the bright dawn of empire.
Best, Knot
.