04-18-2021, 01:40 AM
Hi TqB,
I really enjoyed reading your poem.
Imho, it could benefit from a few tweaks, nothing major. To start, I'm not sure when the spring night occurs, unless you're using 'night' to suggest a sad time.. I like the chimes and if you decide to keep them I'd suggest a bit of reformatting to make them a bit more chime-y:
In this spring night
loss
attracts
loss
say the chimes.
Subsequently, maybe a dash after fall and a bit of punctuation and/or reformatting in the third and final stanzas, just to guide the reader through. And maybe a lower-case y at S5 L2?
I wonder whether, in place of the surfacing and drowning, you could continue with the wagon, although I'm not entirely sure how that would work with the lawnmower, which I like a lot.
Endings are often tricky. Would you consider saying something about well-kept grass? How is the N's grass? I can imagine the neighbour's is looking neat, but the N's might be less so.
I hope there's something useful here.
I really enjoyed reading your poem.
Imho, it could benefit from a few tweaks, nothing major. To start, I'm not sure when the spring night occurs, unless you're using 'night' to suggest a sad time.. I like the chimes and if you decide to keep them I'd suggest a bit of reformatting to make them a bit more chime-y:
In this spring night
loss
attracts
loss
say the chimes.
Subsequently, maybe a dash after fall and a bit of punctuation and/or reformatting in the third and final stanzas, just to guide the reader through. And maybe a lower-case y at S5 L2?
I wonder whether, in place of the surfacing and drowning, you could continue with the wagon, although I'm not entirely sure how that would work with the lawnmower, which I like a lot.
Endings are often tricky. Would you consider saying something about well-kept grass? How is the N's grass? I can imagine the neighbour's is looking neat, but the N's might be less so.
I hope there's something useful here.
All best,
Leaf
Leaf