04-17-2021, 10:11 PM
.
Hi TqB,
this isn't really hanging together for me (either version).
(Not a fan of the title)
In this spring night loss
attracts loss say the chimes........neither the 'spring night' nor 'the chimes' feature in the poem after this, what's the point of mentioning them?
Whatever scene it is they are setting isn't one that's developed/returned to. Why not simply start with S2?
You were three days back
on the wagon, face bruised from a fall...........this seems an unnecessary detail (and again, not something developed/explored in what follows).
you and called me over
to start your lawnmower.
(Alternatively,
Face bruised, three days back
on the wagon, you called me
over to start your lawnmower.)
I really like the 'oddity' of the lawnmower, but, like the spring night and chimes, it (largely) vanishes from the poem.
Two moments,
when I first saw you and when I left you
two embraces
we held each other like we were drowning..... (embrace connotes 'held each other) drowning is quite clichéd' and would seem to have little to do
with lawns or asphalt.
both times we said the word love.......Why not say what you said and how you felt about saying it, this line seems unnecessarily coy.
But now you’ve let go and surfaced.
Your heart is locked back up
by your necessary self-mortification..........has he/she fallen off the wagon? What's changed? And why is self-mortification necessary? That 'surfaced'
is starting to look like a pun (given it's repeated, below, with 'street' and 'asphalted')
If you had looked back,
You’d have seen me still drowning......So, first 'like we were drowning' now 'still drowning' (no like)?
And now you're the one with problems. The Stevie Smith echo isn't helping.
I’ve surfaced now too
so we can resume our street roles
neighbors with asphalted hearts
where our love is safely underground......So, a sort of 'Brokeback Lawn' piece? Lawnmower a metaphor for illicit passion and asphalted for suburban
respectability?
A brutal suggestion, discard everything but stanzas two and three and go from there.
Face bruised, three days back
on the wagon, you called me
over to start your lawnmower.
Two moments,
when I first saw you,
when I left
two embraces
two swimmers
drowning.
both times
we said 'I love you'
both times we ...
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
this isn't really hanging together for me (either version).
(Not a fan of the title)
In this spring night loss
attracts loss say the chimes........neither the 'spring night' nor 'the chimes' feature in the poem after this, what's the point of mentioning them?
Whatever scene it is they are setting isn't one that's developed/returned to. Why not simply start with S2?
You were three days back
on the wagon, face bruised from a fall...........this seems an unnecessary detail (and again, not something developed/explored in what follows).
you and called me over
to start your lawnmower.
(Alternatively,
Face bruised, three days back
on the wagon, you called me
over to start your lawnmower.)
I really like the 'oddity' of the lawnmower, but, like the spring night and chimes, it (largely) vanishes from the poem.
Two moments,
when I first saw you and when I left you
two embraces
we held each other like we were drowning..... (embrace connotes 'held each other) drowning is quite clichéd' and would seem to have little to do
with lawns or asphalt.
both times we said the word love.......Why not say what you said and how you felt about saying it, this line seems unnecessarily coy.
But now you’ve let go and surfaced.
Your heart is locked back up
by your necessary self-mortification..........has he/she fallen off the wagon? What's changed? And why is self-mortification necessary? That 'surfaced'
is starting to look like a pun (given it's repeated, below, with 'street' and 'asphalted')
If you had looked back,
You’d have seen me still drowning......So, first 'like we were drowning' now 'still drowning' (no like)?
And now you're the one with problems. The Stevie Smith echo isn't helping.
I’ve surfaced now too
so we can resume our street roles
neighbors with asphalted hearts
where our love is safely underground......So, a sort of 'Brokeback Lawn' piece? Lawnmower a metaphor for illicit passion and asphalted for suburban
respectability?
A brutal suggestion, discard everything but stanzas two and three and go from there.
Face bruised, three days back
on the wagon, you called me
over to start your lawnmower.
Two moments,
when I first saw you,
when I left
two embraces
two swimmers
drowning.
both times
we said 'I love you'
both times we ...
Best, Knot
.