04-17-2021, 09:34 AM
Hey Tim-
Good piece of work. Most of my suggestions deal with some of the line breaks, and a word or two, here and there.
In this spring night, loss I moved the first "loss" up to the first line. Below are some other suggestions.
attracts loss say the chimes.
You were three days back
on the wagon, face bruised from a drunken
fall, you called me over to start
your lawnmower.
Two moments, two embraces
when I first saw you first and when I left you
we held on to each other like we were drowning
we said even said the word love.
But now you’ve let go and surfaced.
Your heart is locked back up
by an alcoholic’s necessary self-mortification.
If you had looked back,
You’d have seen I was me still drowning.
I’ve surfaced now too
so we can resume our street roles
neighbors with asphalt hearts
we walk across as though we were strangers. Something about these last two lines needs ???, though I can really appreciate "asphalt hearts" being a metaphor for your hearts
Good piece of work. Most of my suggestions deal with some of the line breaks, and a word or two, here and there.
In this spring night, loss I moved the first "loss" up to the first line. Below are some other suggestions.
attracts loss say the chimes.
You were three days back
on the wagon, face bruised from a drunken
fall, you called me over to start
your lawnmower.
Two moments, two embraces
when I first saw you first and when I left you
we held on to each other like we were drowning
we said even said the word love.
But now you’ve let go and surfaced.
Your heart is locked back up
by an alcoholic’s necessary self-mortification.
If you had looked back,
You’d have seen I was me still drowning.
I’ve surfaced now too
so we can resume our street roles
neighbors with asphalt hearts
we walk across as though we were strangers. Something about these last two lines needs ???, though I can really appreciate "asphalt hearts" being a metaphor for your hearts