03-31-2021, 08:50 PM
Hi TranquillityBase,
I'm Leaf and this is my first critique here. I hope it's useful; apologies if it's rubbish (pls feel free to ignore).
I like the title; I also like Mark's suggestion, 'This Poet's Diet'. 'The' led me to expect general observations, whereas this poem is indeed quite personal. But in 'The' I find a distancing that's echoed in 'retreated', if that makes sense at all.
It's a strong start. I like the examples of how you've grown thinner. I think you could add another example, so it's 'first... then... now', all leading up to the reason for your thinness, 'our lost boy'. I note 'my belt' yet 'a wedding ring', but perhaps that isn't significant? I like 'slipped / off' too.
The 'failing pianos' is good as well. Do you mean you're writing surrealist poetry? After that, I like the way you turn to humour and I enjoy the nonsense rhyme. I didn't know about Aquinas' 'thinness beyond thinness', so I looked it up. For me, the mention of Aquinas makes the end of the poem less accessible than the rest of it, but it'll be fine for more learned readers, of course.
I'm sorry for your loss.
All best,
Leaf
I'm Leaf and this is my first critique here. I hope it's useful; apologies if it's rubbish (pls feel free to ignore).
I like the title; I also like Mark's suggestion, 'This Poet's Diet'. 'The' led me to expect general observations, whereas this poem is indeed quite personal. But in 'The' I find a distancing that's echoed in 'retreated', if that makes sense at all.
It's a strong start. I like the examples of how you've grown thinner. I think you could add another example, so it's 'first... then... now', all leading up to the reason for your thinness, 'our lost boy'. I note 'my belt' yet 'a wedding ring', but perhaps that isn't significant? I like 'slipped / off' too.
The 'failing pianos' is good as well. Do you mean you're writing surrealist poetry? After that, I like the way you turn to humour and I enjoy the nonsense rhyme. I didn't know about Aquinas' 'thinness beyond thinness', so I looked it up. For me, the mention of Aquinas makes the end of the poem less accessible than the rest of it, but it'll be fine for more learned readers, of course.
I'm sorry for your loss.
All best,
Leaf