03-26-2021, 04:30 AM
Hey Tim-
This poem, for me, is really about losing weight due to the grief/stress of "our lost boy", and I've weeded out the parts that I didn't need to emphasize that. Perhaps the title might be "This Poet's Diet" since the poem really is quite personal. The only other "suggestions" I made were to correct some issues with tense and to reserve the line with "a poem about our boy" for the very end.
Though I don't like the uneven line lengths in my suggested revision, I think you get the idea (pretty damn presumptuous of me to make wholesale changes, but I think you have the potential for a very strong poem here, if you strip away unnecessary parts). I think the playful humor of the piece, esp the paint thinner pun, is turned on its head by introducing "our lost boy" at the end.
Since you posted this in BASIC, I view your piece as an early draft, and thus figure you are open to significant changes.
Thanks for the read, Tim,
Mark
This Poet's Diet
Sativa mostly, Lipton’s tea, tobacco and words.
With every poem I grew thinner-
first my belt became too long
now my wedding ring has slipped
off a thinning finger into oblivion.
I retreated into surrealism
where failing pianos
filled an empty stomach.
If I get any thinner
I’ll be able to dissolve paint.
And finally, a poem about our lost boy
thins me until I am almost invisible.
This poem, for me, is really about losing weight due to the grief/stress of "our lost boy", and I've weeded out the parts that I didn't need to emphasize that. Perhaps the title might be "This Poet's Diet" since the poem really is quite personal. The only other "suggestions" I made were to correct some issues with tense and to reserve the line with "a poem about our boy" for the very end.
Though I don't like the uneven line lengths in my suggested revision, I think you get the idea (pretty damn presumptuous of me to make wholesale changes, but I think you have the potential for a very strong poem here, if you strip away unnecessary parts). I think the playful humor of the piece, esp the paint thinner pun, is turned on its head by introducing "our lost boy" at the end.
Since you posted this in BASIC, I view your piece as an early draft, and thus figure you are open to significant changes.
Thanks for the read, Tim,
Mark
This Poet's Diet
Sativa mostly, Lipton’s tea, tobacco and words.
With every poem I grew thinner-
first my belt became too long
now my wedding ring has slipped
off a thinning finger into oblivion.
I retreated into surrealism
where failing pianos
filled an empty stomach.
If I get any thinner
I’ll be able to dissolve paint.
And finally, a poem about our lost boy
thins me until I am almost invisible.