03-05-2021, 11:30 PM
Hi Torkel,
The real jewel of this poem are "those men". The passages about them are really excellent, but there's way too much "we are to blame, we deserve this" etc. Say it once, then focus on the haunting images/story of these men who come to torment you. Then maybe say your mea culpa again at the end. The interactions with the church are interesting, but a bit wordy. Again, I'd focus on the men (homeless I'm assuming) vs. the church, not your interactions with the church, or at least be more succinct.
I think the poem could begin with section 2; that's where it got interesting. Stanza 1 almost made me give up. I like the "sealed envelope" in stanza 3, but then it goes off to more "what did we do?" and as I said, enough of that. Perhaps it could be the first stanza. Starting with stanza 4 I think the poem really picks up.
Hope this makes a little sense. I really do think you've got a ton of effective lines here and a story worth telling.
The real jewel of this poem are "those men". The passages about them are really excellent, but there's way too much "we are to blame, we deserve this" etc. Say it once, then focus on the haunting images/story of these men who come to torment you. Then maybe say your mea culpa again at the end. The interactions with the church are interesting, but a bit wordy. Again, I'd focus on the men (homeless I'm assuming) vs. the church, not your interactions with the church, or at least be more succinct.
I think the poem could begin with section 2; that's where it got interesting. Stanza 1 almost made me give up. I like the "sealed envelope" in stanza 3, but then it goes off to more "what did we do?" and as I said, enough of that. Perhaps it could be the first stanza. Starting with stanza 4 I think the poem really picks up.
Hope this makes a little sense. I really do think you've got a ton of effective lines here and a story worth telling.