02-24-2021, 02:25 AM
Good one a-p,
I might humbly suggest that you start here:
When I’m about to fade into your headache
put me under your words.
At the end, I stumbled over these lines:
I caught your tongue and you spit me out as I am
your a muse rolling my body for the end of all your
sentences.
The short, separated lines didn't really do anything for me. OK, "the one", maybe, but "peace" and "sentences", not.
Take another look at your line breaks, as they seem arbitrary, and
turning on the word "and" is not advisable (though I just did it).
Since this is in BASIC, I know you're still working this one, and my main suggestion is to look for ways to tighten it up: what words are not necessary?
As a writer, you must trust that I will fill in the blanks- maybe not precisely the way you intend, but, hey, that's the way this works.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
I might humbly suggest that you start here:
When I’m about to fade into your headache
put me under your words.
At the end, I stumbled over these lines:
I caught your tongue and you spit me out as I am
your a muse rolling my body for the end of all your
sentences.
The short, separated lines didn't really do anything for me. OK, "the one", maybe, but "peace" and "sentences", not.
Take another look at your line breaks, as they seem arbitrary, and
turning on the word "and" is not advisable (though I just did it).
Since this is in BASIC, I know you're still working this one, and my main suggestion is to look for ways to tighten it up: what words are not necessary?
As a writer, you must trust that I will fill in the blanks- maybe not precisely the way you intend, but, hey, that's the way this works.
Thanks for the read,
Mark