02-10-2021, 11:38 PM
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Hi TqB
There's a touching story there trying to get out. A bit less prose and a bit more poetry might help.
I struggle to follow the charcoal making process as you describe it. For instance stirring suggests increasing the amount of oxygen, which doesn't make sense to me ... but what do I know? 
Some cut and paste suggestions
(Did you know that you were leaving) ..........just a thought
(when) you began working your charcoal pit
After helping me cut cedar
in El Bosque Aboriginal (?)
cutting, hauling, stacking oak, .................first 'cut' now 'cutting' (any alternatives to either?)
stirring it with a cedar pole,......................not sure what the 'it' refers to here. Or why it is stirred.
over and over,
on into darkness, .......................something more specific than 'darkness' maybe? What is El Bosque Aboriginal like at night?
(when I) came out of the cabin
to tell you about Ethan Brand,
you were so mesmerized
(you never even heard me
and I stopped trying
just watched your hands
working ).............(with the cedar pole it all sounds terribly euphemistic )
)(did you know that you were leaving?)
It’s a conical pit
now hidden by the winter grasses,
so if you stand in it, your head is just above their tops.
Next to it, there is a wheelbarrow’s worth of charcoal,
subsided now, after 10 months,
to a miniature village of black hills.
the pit is empty; you cleaned it out.
Did you know you were leaving?...............confused by what's happening in this stanza, and the order in which it happens. (Only the last three lines feel relevant)
I have your fire-pole at home with me.
one end worn smooth as bone,
by your hands. (it still feels warm)
Part of me wants to return it to the pit,
(you might want the pole back where you left it).........any better way of phrasing this?
but I can’t let weather and time erase your hands just yet.
Time enough for that when I am gone too, mijo. .........really nice final couplet, though perhaps it should be 'leave' rather than 'gone'?
Best, Knot
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