01-27-2021, 03:11 AM
Hey Dale- I almost remember the haze of those days as well, though as you say, "it’s hard to keep this history straight inside my pickled brain."
I picked up on the cultural references easily, but anyone not alive then may have a lot of difficulty with this piece. That said, I noticed a few grammatical issues:
His death, did her depress, nothing really wrong with "did her depress" other than sounding stilted
along with the preacher Martin and two brothers Bob and Jack, simple change to avoid the confusion of two brothers Martin
there’s no hope to reconcile, unless the others die. I like this line a lot
only echoes of lonely of once had been, did still linger on. This line was hard to get through and "did still linger" didn't help
we cared nothing for the principal, we were fighting just to fight. The parrallels between then and now do exist. I think "principle" would be the correct spelling in this context.
... this canker’s tale,
there's some remorse for you to pass, of course it’s pass or flail. Like this a lot , as well
So find a mellow yellow fellow, who can really shakes it well, "Shakes" should be "shake"
...Whiter Shade of Pale. I doubt many readers are familiar with Procol Harum, which brings me back to my opening remark that this piece may be very confusing to readers not familiar with the time period. The subtle parrallel between then and now presents a worthwhile challenge to explore, but perhaps in another piece...
For readers like me who lived it, this was like following the clues on a treasure hunt, and I really enjoyed following the map.
Thanks!
Mark
I picked up on the cultural references easily, but anyone not alive then may have a lot of difficulty with this piece. That said, I noticed a few grammatical issues:
His death, did her depress, nothing really wrong with "did her depress" other than sounding stilted
along with the preacher Martin and two brothers Bob and Jack, simple change to avoid the confusion of two brothers Martin
there’s no hope to reconcile, unless the others die. I like this line a lot
only echoes of lonely of once had been, did still linger on. This line was hard to get through and "did still linger" didn't help
we cared nothing for the principal, we were fighting just to fight. The parrallels between then and now do exist. I think "principle" would be the correct spelling in this context.
... this canker’s tale,
there's some remorse for you to pass, of course it’s pass or flail. Like this a lot , as well
So find a mellow yellow fellow, who can really shakes it well, "Shakes" should be "shake"
...Whiter Shade of Pale. I doubt many readers are familiar with Procol Harum, which brings me back to my opening remark that this piece may be very confusing to readers not familiar with the time period. The subtle parrallel between then and now presents a worthwhile challenge to explore, but perhaps in another piece...
For readers like me who lived it, this was like following the clues on a treasure hunt, and I really enjoyed following the map.
Thanks!
Mark