01-12-2021, 10:05 PM
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Hi pomona,
lots to like, the unobtrusive 'slap' in the second line, in particular, is nicely placed, I'm not sure what the second verse adds that couldn't be inferred from the rest of the piece and you might consider trimming some of the excess from the third verse.
The room sits in vacant silence...................................anything better than 'vacant'?
as I slap a wet rag over the marble floor
clenching my nostrils.................................................not sure 'clenching' is the right verb
at its acidic fumes.....................................................and this could be elaborated upon, I think.
Occasionally a chime announces
a tickle of wind at its feet,..........................................at whose feet? Too ambiguous for me.
the corner of the newspaper
dabs the coffee table until.........................................perhaps 'taps' for 'dabs'?
it surrenders itself back to quiet.................................'it' ?
I tug the ends of my sari tighter over my face............not sure about any of the line breaks in this verse, or why madam descending means
...........................................................................tugging the sari tighter?
as madam descends the stairs in whispered strides,....not keen on 'whispered strides'
...
just a suggestion
I tug the ends of my sari tighter
over my face, madam descends
shoulders hung in resignation,
fresh powder clinging on her cheek,
our eyes lift just long enough
the swollen half moon
of yesterday's punishment.................................do you need to spell it out with 'punishment'?
still visible behind the clouds
She looks away
Best, Knot
.
Hi pomona,
lots to like, the unobtrusive 'slap' in the second line, in particular, is nicely placed, I'm not sure what the second verse adds that couldn't be inferred from the rest of the piece and you might consider trimming some of the excess from the third verse.
The room sits in vacant silence...................................anything better than 'vacant'?
as I slap a wet rag over the marble floor
clenching my nostrils.................................................not sure 'clenching' is the right verb
at its acidic fumes.....................................................and this could be elaborated upon, I think.
Occasionally a chime announces
a tickle of wind at its feet,..........................................at whose feet? Too ambiguous for me.
the corner of the newspaper
dabs the coffee table until.........................................perhaps 'taps' for 'dabs'?
it surrenders itself back to quiet.................................'it' ?
I tug the ends of my sari tighter over my face............not sure about any of the line breaks in this verse, or why madam descending means
...........................................................................tugging the sari tighter?
as madam descends the stairs in whispered strides,....not keen on 'whispered strides'
...
just a suggestion
I tug the ends of my sari tighter
over my face, madam descends
shoulders hung in resignation,
fresh powder clinging on her cheek,
our eyes lift just long enough
the swollen half moon
of yesterday's punishment.................................do you need to spell it out with 'punishment'?
still visible behind the clouds
She looks away
Best, Knot
.