11-19-2020, 10:52 PM
Hello RythmGuy,
I've got a couple of issues with this poem.
The narrative is rather bland and meaningless, and the copying of song lyrics, especially for the crescendo, comes across as lazy.
No doubt, your girlfriend would prefer your own words.
Make it more personal, she's a writer apparently - our story's just began, together we can pen a happy ending.
Just noticed your revision, so I've had to revise my critique! - please append revisions to the original.
when I'm with you
Everything grows alive
The sun smiles and cascades every passing mountain - nice ideas, but 'smiles' is a weak cliche, floods etc ?
Flowers gaze as I go by
growing bigger, brighter - find a fresher image here.
all was well - drop this departure
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "I love you" - if you must use it, then at least twist it.
By not saying something beautiful like "I love you"
just my thoughts.........Philip
I've got a couple of issues with this poem.
The narrative is rather bland and meaningless, and the copying of song lyrics, especially for the crescendo, comes across as lazy.
No doubt, your girlfriend would prefer your own words.
Make it more personal, she's a writer apparently - our story's just began, together we can pen a happy ending.
Just noticed your revision, so I've had to revise my critique! - please append revisions to the original.
when I'm with you
Everything grows alive
The sun smiles and cascades every passing mountain - nice ideas, but 'smiles' is a weak cliche, floods etc ?
Flowers gaze as I go by
growing bigger, brighter - find a fresher image here.
all was well - drop this departure
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "I love you" - if you must use it, then at least twist it.
By not saying something beautiful like "I love you"
just my thoughts.........Philip