11-13-2020, 01:02 PM
WOW!!! I love this; especially the second version. It feels dark, but it's also giving me a cyclical seasonal fall feeling. I think it is artfully done.
In the first version, the repetition of "we rain through time" hits pretty strongly. The first person pleural of "we" and the active verb of "rain" feel so different from the rest of the poem. By the last repetition, it starts to get pretty jarring to me. I know part of that may come from the formal structure, but have you considered softening that line a little? Perhaps "washed through time" instead?
Beautiful work.
In the first version, the repetition of "we rain through time" hits pretty strongly. The first person pleural of "we" and the active verb of "rain" feel so different from the rest of the poem. By the last repetition, it starts to get pretty jarring to me. I know part of that may come from the formal structure, but have you considered softening that line a little? Perhaps "washed through time" instead?
Beautiful work.