Last Words

[alonso ramoran]

Hi philip, comments below

Kind faces gather round my bed is there a better word than "kind" that provides more concrete detail of these faces, maybe while also keeping an implication of that kind quality?
and I am moved not sure if this line break works for me. i do appreciate the double meaning (emotionally-moved), but some part of me feels like it's cheap
to a room, clean and pale comma after pale? again i'd try to get more specific than "clean". i'd think about the smells too
where a machine at my head
breathes a sigh i like the personification of the machine. to make the n seem more at their end, you could say something like "the machine exhales with my breath"
as I exhale.

if this is a traditional form whose rules you are following, i've never heard of it. then again, there's a lot of forms im not aware of. but from what i know, it seems like you are restricting what you are trying to say by adhering to a rhyme scheme that doesn't belong to any form, so why not just write the poem you want without worrying about the rhymes? you'd probably be much more happier with it and it could probably be much more effective

Last words?......already spoken why the ellipsis?
become last thoughts to be sang. i dont understand the structure of this sentence
A token pang for each heart broken,
a song of loss for every wrong. these lines are too abstract imo--"token pang" "heart" "song of loss" "wrong"--need something concrete to evoke some emotion.

Then, what of bliss,
that bridal kiss
and the pride of family?
No, not this.... 
the catalyst of heightened memory. why "heightened" and not something like "intense"?

But, as a boy beside the sea
when all I had, were pen and pad remove comma after had and place it after "sea" in previous line.
and the joy of writing poetry.

Kindest regards,
Alex