A Child Cries (Depression)

[therabbitisme]

A child cries

The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open "Subside and open eyes" would be weird grammar, but sounds 100x better to me rhyme- and style-wise
Colors light the world Nice
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich Nice!
Time turns and options narrow Fantastic line
Choices made
She is found  
Hope shines
Others are given This doesn't match the intensity, clarity, or "density" of the surrounding lines
 
A child cries Love this refrain style, it is underdone in 21st century poetry
 
Promises lost Something about this doesn't work. Either "Promise lost" or "Promises broken" would work and flow better
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark This makes me feel like the whole poem would be stronger with some loose rhyme scheme, rather than none
Will to fight ignites Nice
I teach myself to see The tense of this, and the usage of the word "I" sort of changes the mood abruptly
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold Great line, but it could be split into two
Colors gone and sounds muted Just fantastic
Path unclear
I tremble alone Excellent
 
A child cries
 
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying 
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved Basically perfect stanza, save for lack of rhyme
 
A child cries
 
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures The "and" is off-rhythm
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light All great
 
A child cries
 
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black substantially divergent from the meter
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait need comma
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates excellent
 
A child cries

This could seriously be in one of the more serious critique fora. Truly fantastic overall. You seem to be consciously using free rhythm, and I'm a huge proponent of that. My only advice on that front would be to think more about how people will actually read it. Try and strike a balance between the changing rhythms and the underlying pulse (sorry if that's an opaque description, but I get the feeling you have a feel for this stuff). The power of free verse is in the "atoms" of dense rhymes and rhythms among varying feels, so try reciting this out loud and feel where your heart wants it to flow more naturally. Once again, this is something to be quite proud of.