08-17-2020, 11:50 AM
Hey mjweise,
I think this poem falls into the category that it captures how you were feeling when you wrote it, but it doesn't do enough to make the reader feel what you're feeling. This poem is guilty to telling too much and not showing enough. I'll go into more detail below:
Keep writing,
Richard
I think this poem falls into the category that it captures how you were feeling when you wrote it, but it doesn't do enough to make the reader feel what you're feeling. This poem is guilty to telling too much and not showing enough. I'll go into more detail below:
(08-16-2020, 06:51 PM)mjweise Wrote: I want to feel ...I think it would be a worthwhile writing exercise for yourself to rewrite this poem with a focus on telling less through just using words like "comforted" and showing more through the use of images. I hope I wasn't too harsh here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.
inspired when retired -An image showing how you might feel inspired would draw the reader in more.
gratified and satisfied -Same is true here. How about an image showing gratification and/or satisfaction?
comforted and connected -I would suggest avoiding repetition in such a short poem. So maybe think about alternatives to reusing words like "and" and "not."
enthused, not confused
embraced, not refused
alive, loving ... and loved -Personally, I think you could start the poem here. Keep the title, then have the first line be "alive, loving and loved:" and then start giving some images to support that line and to show the feelings you've mentioned in the rest of the poem. Just an idea.
Keep writing,
Richard
Time is the best editor.