08-15-2020, 09:53 AM
Echoing the above crit, I'd say that there are too many metaphors as loose ends in this poem. The raven, the tree (Yggdrasil imagery, made banal by HBO), then suddenly something like a cat or monkey leaping away from your arms. Then that monkey chasing the zoomorphised 'freedom' of our ancestors, and suddenly back to Silence and Sound.
The Oblivion with a capital O is trying hard to be profound.
And God's celestial symphony...are we to suspend our disbelief in the Pythagorean music of the spheres? It doesn't look like it's intended as an allusion to a historical belief. If that was the intent, it's not come out well. I would furthermore eschew all gratuitous use of 'sweet' and 'celestial' in a modern screenplay.
The parts after that are a death spiral. There was no 'sound' in the Big Bang - there was no medium for longitudinal vibrations to propagate in. And what does Elysium have to do with all this?
There may be an intended reference to 'Om' and the Hindu belief in the sound at the beginning of creation, but the allusion is weak, and doesn't link up strongly enough with the rest of the poem.
The Oblivion with a capital O is trying hard to be profound.
And God's celestial symphony...are we to suspend our disbelief in the Pythagorean music of the spheres? It doesn't look like it's intended as an allusion to a historical belief. If that was the intent, it's not come out well. I would furthermore eschew all gratuitous use of 'sweet' and 'celestial' in a modern screenplay.
The parts after that are a death spiral. There was no 'sound' in the Big Bang - there was no medium for longitudinal vibrations to propagate in. And what does Elysium have to do with all this?
There may be an intended reference to 'Om' and the Hindu belief in the sound at the beginning of creation, but the allusion is weak, and doesn't link up strongly enough with the rest of the poem.