hummingbird

[Joyful Noise]

I love this.
Didn’t quite follow the wings / strings portion - looked like meaning was sacrificed in the temptation to rhyme
But that aside, nothing much to complain about

Hey Joyful. I just wanted to say I agree with Busker's above sentiment. "Longing falls..." is too weak a line for an otherwise strong poem. For me, the issue is that the simile is weak to begin with, so the rhyme is an unneeded jolt. Is there a universal way that readers will imagine a bow falling on strings? Not really. So the comparison adds no real clarity as to how "longing falls." I think it's the combination of a weak simile and an unexpected rhyme that makes it stand out so much. Omitting or reworking that one line would lift the entire piece IMO.

Thanks, Tiger. I see what you’re saying about the comparison being unclear. Perhaps “falls” is the root of the issue. I was attempting to convey the (somewhat more universal) association between stringed instruments and the sense/tone of tension and striving that they add to a piece of music. Trying out substitute words in my head… “tugs” maybe? I think I might like that better.

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hummingbird: edit #2 

Anoint me with grit and 
throw colors at me,
that I may lap up the
      nectar of life
Curling my toes, I 
feel what it is to be here,
be near

     who is I AM that 
BEING would sow me in such 
fertile soil
         and 
             congruently
blossom within me

Rub my eyes and beat my wings
Desire tugs on tuned strings
as I fit myself into place
                              squeeze myself into the gaps 
                         between
             tectonic plates