08-11-2020, 12:17 PM
Well, I for one would be absolutely thrilled to learn more about these women if you do end up weaving them into a larger narrative. A general suggestion would be to really hone in on the sonority, the flow. Some phrases have a really lovely lilt, so the ones that don’t suffer all the more in comparison. I get a very 50s vibe from the piece (not sure if I am interpreting that correctly, of course), so I feel it would be nice to sprinkle in some more 50s-esque jargon to really paint the picture. Greater specificity (“chestnut” instead of “brown,” “wind-strewn” instead of “dusty”, etc.) and fewer clichés (“ball and chain,” “straight as a board”), though I will admit the latter does add a sense of playfulness. Really enjoyable read.