08-10-2020, 10:30 PM
[quote="busker" pid='250107' dateline='1597060152']
[quote="Joyful Noise" pid='250049' dateline='1596808597']
in the event of moon disaster
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved leeches, they
Leap from vein to vein,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they suckle
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
[/quote]
I think the metaphor lost its way towards the end, from dust speckles to veins and from leeches feeding on blood to sucking on marrow.
I'm also not sure about what you mean by sinkholes being as large as the diver. It can make sense if sinkholes are a metaphor for something else, because it obviously doesn't make sense literally, and there's something lost in that abstraction. I come away from it initially pleased, but then I wonder what the heck I just read.
[/quote]
Thanks busker. Only realized just this moment that I used “large” instead of “deep,” which I’m sure only obscured the message more. I agree that the metaphors are a little all over the place. The leeches bit especially. The sinkholes are meant to be representative of the moon’s craters, and their comparison to the diver is more a reflection of man’s willingness to explore and discover than the literal size of the sinkholes/craters. Perhaps replacing sinkholes with craters would help a bit. Think I got a little caught up in my personal additions—had just spoken with a friend who told me she got her scuba diving license in an 80 ft sinkhole in Mexico. Thought it would be cool to incorporate that, but I think it really just ended up feeling forced. Will rework.
[quote="Joyful Noise" pid='250049' dateline='1596808597']
in the event of moon disaster: edit #1
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For craters are only as deep as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved primates, they
Leap from branch to branch,
For from the fruit of the canopy of
Mankind do they suckle
Big changes in stanza 2. Not sure how to feel… L9 is a little wordy.
A reminder that my form is derived from the necessity of the first word of each line to remain the same.
[quote="Joyful Noise" pid='250049' dateline='1596808597']
in the event of moon disaster
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved leeches, they
Leap from vein to vein,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they suckle
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
[/quote]
I think the metaphor lost its way towards the end, from dust speckles to veins and from leeches feeding on blood to sucking on marrow.
I'm also not sure about what you mean by sinkholes being as large as the diver. It can make sense if sinkholes are a metaphor for something else, because it obviously doesn't make sense literally, and there's something lost in that abstraction. I come away from it initially pleased, but then I wonder what the heck I just read.
[/quote]
Thanks busker. Only realized just this moment that I used “large” instead of “deep,” which I’m sure only obscured the message more. I agree that the metaphors are a little all over the place. The leeches bit especially. The sinkholes are meant to be representative of the moon’s craters, and their comparison to the diver is more a reflection of man’s willingness to explore and discover than the literal size of the sinkholes/craters. Perhaps replacing sinkholes with craters would help a bit. Think I got a little caught up in my personal additions—had just spoken with a friend who told me she got her scuba diving license in an 80 ft sinkhole in Mexico. Thought it would be cool to incorporate that, but I think it really just ended up feeling forced. Will rework.
[quote="Joyful Noise" pid='250049' dateline='1596808597']
in the event of moon disaster: edit #1
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For craters are only as deep as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved primates, they
Leap from branch to branch,
For from the fruit of the canopy of
Mankind do they suckle
Big changes in stanza 2. Not sure how to feel… L9 is a little wordy.
A reminder that my form is derived from the necessity of the first word of each line to remain the same.