hummingbird

[busker]

I disagree with some of the above comments on line spacing and truncation. They are perfect in the original version as they indicate the necessary pauses to make the poem work its charm. Otherwise, it's just fancy prose.
The revised edition is fancy prose.

Consider, in the revised version:

that I may lap up the nectar of life
BEING would sow me in such fertile soil
and congruently blossom within me

vs in the original:

that i may lap up the
      nectar of life

who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
        and
        congruently
blossom within me

You have tried to standardise the lines and write them out as you would in a normal sentence. However, in doing so you have lost the qualities of epiphany and revelation that the reader got when progressing from line to line in the original. 

That was - whether you intended it to be the case or not - why the original read so well. There must have been a reason why you had it in the first place.

Don't be in a rush to revise and don't assume that every crit, however well intended, is going to make your piece better. You need to decide that for yourself and do what you feel is right, in the end.

Wow, y’all are making this so tricky for me—it’s so lovely! Yes busker, the line breaks were put in place for both pause and to add an aspect of discovery. I’m glad to know you liked it the original way. Would you suggest keeping the original indentations as well as the line breaks? Or does that make it too choppy? I tend to gravitate towards poems that have a little more visual interest, but I also don’t want to add affectation for its own sake.

My view - and this is just a matter of taste, since you asked - is that neither the indentations nor the line breaks feel gimmicky in this instance. So I wouldn’t change a thing in that department.