07-31-2020, 01:01 AM
.Hi Adam
enjoyed the read. You might consider trimming it, and reexamining some of your linguistic choices
(pleading with and clairvoyance, being the most obvious), then there's the ending
The harshest discipline will never alter
The fundamental nature of an evil person.
Consider how the mantis was once a mortal
man, hypocritical prophet and fortune teller.
How he was not fulfilled with courting..........................I wonder if 'courtship' might not be a better word?
one woman at a time, but consistently
cast his covetous eyes to the 'weaker' sex.......................anything better than 'weaker sex'?
Leaping on their backs and violating them,....................where did this 'leaping and violating' take place?
Then, remorseful, begging their forgiveness...............And how is this 'courting'?
His lust enraged Jupiter so did the God remake............Feels like you skipped a line or two here.
him, a divine metamorphosis which changed him......how does he come to Jupiter's attention?
into the bug we know today, the praying mantis.
His nature stayed the same...............................................Isn't this the same as your concluding line?
I find it a little confusing from this point on.
Is the general thrust something like
And yet, despite that divine condemnation
to knowingly suffer decapitation during copulation,
a most sacred form of castration, still the mantis
has not changed his ways
?
Not sure about the ending at all. Basically, in the end nothing changed doesn't seem like much of a satisfactory conclusion.
Best, Knot
.
enjoyed the read. You might consider trimming it, and reexamining some of your linguistic choices
(pleading with and clairvoyance, being the most obvious), then there's the ending
The harshest discipline will never alter
The fundamental nature of an evil person.
Consider how the mantis was once a mortal
man, hypocritical prophet and fortune teller.
How he was not fulfilled with courting..........................I wonder if 'courtship' might not be a better word?
one woman at a time, but consistently
cast his covetous eyes to the 'weaker' sex.......................anything better than 'weaker sex'?
Leaping on their backs and violating them,....................where did this 'leaping and violating' take place?
Then, remorseful, begging their forgiveness...............And how is this 'courting'?
His lust enraged Jupiter so did the God remake............Feels like you skipped a line or two here.
him, a divine metamorphosis which changed him......how does he come to Jupiter's attention?
into the bug we know today, the praying mantis.
His nature stayed the same...............................................Isn't this the same as your concluding line?
I find it a little confusing from this point on.
Is the general thrust something like
And yet, despite that divine condemnation
to knowingly suffer decapitation during copulation,
a most sacred form of castration, still the mantis
has not changed his ways
?
Not sure about the ending at all. Basically, in the end nothing changed doesn't seem like much of a satisfactory conclusion.
Best, Knot
.