Penelope Motel

[Exit]

Here’s the rewrite. Look, I’m not saying that the world necessarily needed this poem. But, thanks to your very practical feedback, it feels tighter and sharper to me now. Thanks again for the guidance.



The muse she sang
your tale of renown
your journey to hell
and back above ground

Returning to me
your Penelope dear
a wife so patient
a wife so sincere

Ten years of callers
lined up at the gate
My main occupation
to sit still and wait

Many a night
dreaming of you.
My heart beating steady,
my heart beating true

Upon your return
the end of the dream.
Maybe we shouldn’t 
change horses midstream.

So here we are
the silence we share.
I miss you more darling
when you are not here.

Polite conversation
a ritual hug
No passionate kisses
we nod and we shrug

The waiting is over
The sighs of relief
But I’ll never want you 
if you never leave

Awaiting my hero
Holding the home
But lately it hits me
I was happy alone. 

Sing muse again 
of Penelope
the classical model
queen of fidelity 

I think I prefer the second edit. This one's taking itself a bit too seriously. But if you are going to continue with this version, I suggest—tedious as it is—do a basic syllable count. You're going from 9 syllables to as much as 12 sometimes, depending on the stanza. So even though it appears to be tighter, it is in fact less rhythmical and more jarring, overall.