Before the rain

[penneddown]

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Hi Penned,
like the tone and the first two verses in particular, but I'm left with the
question, why, if a storm is coming, is she pegging out the washing?
(And when does she bring it in? )

The odd thought ...

late into the lazy days,
She pegs linen, the air hanging
low and heavy. petunias shiver
- be tempted to replace 'She' with 'Mom'

Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint,
(three year- old) palms to the glass,
trialing permanence .
- maybe a modifier/descriptor for either the paint, palms, or the glass?

Inside her something moves,
thunder claps and
the sky is late night television.
They wait for the rain.
- the ambiguity of 'her' is a little, but only a little, bit of a stumble,
'late night television' is great, but this is a comparatively weak verse,
I think. The nebulous 'something' and the worn 'thunder claps' could
stand improving)

- Feels like there could be another verse here, perhaps from Phoebe's
perspective? The jump from 'wait' to 'later' is rather unsatisfying.

Later the patio radiates
heat that smells of earth
and memories of yesterday.
- 'memories of yesterday' hits the wrong note, for me (the the idea
doesn't stretch to include Phoebe, or have I missed something?)

Before the rain, before
the air was so close
('was ...' doesn't seem to do enough. Is there an image or metaphor
with which you could replace this line?)
that they needed to start over.
- like the ending (did you try
before the air was so close / before they
needed to start over?)


Best, Knot

Thanks Knot. I appreciate your feedback. I agree the poem felt a little short so I have added a bit more, which also gives more of an indicator of the feelings of loss that the poem is trying to provoke. I’ll have a little think about your other comments too.

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