Double Baby Carriage (Senryu)

[dukealien]

Double Baby Carriage


Husband pushes twins
trim wife runs along beside
looking much relieved.

So what? I wish there was more to this poem than just pushing twins and running, any emotion you could put here?

Oh, I have to respectfully disagree, Jagged Edge! But, in fairness, I have twins, so I have done this. It's a small moment, but emotionally telling, the relief of the mother to have moment in which she is physically unburdened. 

I think I get it, but I've done it. So is there a way to better convey that while keeping that nice, spare language? I'm thinking too about the descriptor, "trim" . . . to me that suggests that she has done the whole baby weight loss thing. She's an overachiever taking a break, right? I'm churning to think if there's a better descriptor but I can't think of a way to improve it honestly.

The more I stare at it, the more I might like it, really. I was initially thinking that it might be focusing too much on the husband with the pushing, but really, I'm getting a picture of the wife more and more . . . she does get two thirds of the poem.

This is very close to what I had in mind, without ever having carried a baby (much less twins) to term. In a short form like the haiku/senryu economy of words is essential, and I'm glad the idea gets across to some extent in those used ("trots" is good, but doesn't quite convey the seriousness of the wife's expression). Short forms like this also leave room for alternative readings... for example, in this case, that the third line refers to the husband.

"Trim" was the best I could do to evoke the lady, wearing rather fetching two-piece athletic togs, eyebrows plucked, with her dark hair in a small bun. Over-achiever? Tiger!