Double Baby Carriage (Senryu)

[Valerie Please]

Double Baby Carriage


Husband pushes twins
trim wife runs along beside
looking much relieved.

So what? I wish there was more to this poem than just pushing twins and running, any emotion you could put here?

Oh, I have to respectfully disagree, Jagged Edge! But, in fairness, I have twins, so I have done this. It's a small moment, but emotionally telling, the relief of the mother to have moment in which she is physically unburdened. 

I think I get it, but I've done it. So is there a way to better convey that while keeping that nice, spare language? I'm thinking too about the descriptor, "trim" . . . to me that suggests that she has done the whole baby weight loss thing. She's an overachiever taking a break, right? I'm churning to think if there's a better descriptor but I can't think of a way to improve it honestly.

The more I stare at it, the more I might like it, really. I was initially thinking that it might be focusing too much on the husband with the pushing, but really, I'm getting a picture of the wife more and more . . . she does get two thirds of the poem.