Jacob

[Knot]

.

Hi penned.

To my mind a definite improvement. But I still don't know if it is uncle (singular) or uncles (plural) who have the pool.

Not keen on the 'burnt ... tears' couplet. Seems a bit melodramatic, and doesn't really add much to the piece (and why would tears be chlorine, and what would that mean?)

(I'd be tempted with 'bed sheet' for the alliterative b, and maybe even give the sheet a colour or some other characteristic.)

'half light' could, perhaps, withstand a little bit of elaboration, and (lastly ) the final verse seems like it's a line short (between L2 and L3) - perhaps a little bit more on the towels?

Good work.

Best, Knot.



.