06-22-2020, 06:17 AM
Hi Knot,
Thanks for the suggestions. Helpful and I agree with much of what you said. I wrote it quite quickly the other and thought it could do with cutting down. Let me know what you think of the re-write.
When I was seventeen
I sunk to the bottom of my uncles pool,
blew wind from my lungs and
billowed in the half light
like a sheet on the washing line
burnt eyes shedding
chlorine tears.
I remembered
blood red poppies and
a painting at The National.
You wrapping me in your cling film
dreams -
Me keeping your hands in my back pockets.
Days later I was as dried out
as my grandmothers old towels -
Something soft loved too hard.
Many thanks
Thanks for the suggestions. Helpful and I agree with much of what you said. I wrote it quite quickly the other and thought it could do with cutting down. Let me know what you think of the re-write.
When I was seventeen
I sunk to the bottom of my uncles pool,
blew wind from my lungs and
billowed in the half light
like a sheet on the washing line
burnt eyes shedding
chlorine tears.
I remembered
blood red poppies and
a painting at The National.
You wrapping me in your cling film
dreams -
Me keeping your hands in my back pockets.
Days later I was as dried out
as my grandmothers old towels -
Something soft loved too hard.
Many thanks