Jacob

[Knot]

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Hi penned.

Lots to like here, the penultimate line (which should be the final line!) especially
(though lines 16-17 struggle a bit. 'as' twice isn't good here).

I don't think you need the 'hot air balloon' in S2, it interrupts (to no great benefit)
the thread from 'washing line' to 'old towels'. And I think you could afford to cut
more generally.

(Not sure where the possessive apostrophe should go, is it uncles' or uncle's?)

Some suggestions ...


When I was seventeen years old
I sunk to the bottom
of my uncles pool:
I blew wind off from my lungs
billowed in the half light
like a sheet on the washing line
wept shed chlorine tears.

I remembered blood
red poppies and a painting
at The National. You
wrapped wrapping me in your cling film dreams -
I kept me keeping your hands
in my back pockets.

Days later I was as dried out
as my grandmothers old towels.
Something soft loved too hard,
redemption stuck inside my arid tongue.



Best, Knot



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