06-06-2020, 11:20 PM
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Hi penned.
I like the portrait of the narrator, but there are a couple of places where it seems either underwritten (L5-9, I don't think the envy/possessiveness is strong enough) or irrelevant (L20-22). And theending doesn't satisfy. Why does it matter that N didn't find the money? It didn't seem to be why she/he was cleaning the house in the first place.
Either all likes should begin with a capital, or just where it's necessary. My vote is for the latter.
When I was nineteen
I cleaned her house
Top to bottom.
For twenty bucks.
Washed away her boredom
With my greying sponge
(I think you need something better than 'greying', and isn't it 'wiped away'? And how does N's cleaning wash away her boredom? What, if any, was her interest in N?)
cleared lipsticked coffee cups
And dregs of wine,
(Anything better than dregs? Why was there wine remaining in the glasses? What got interrupted?)
Removed cobwebs from her corners.
(Couldn't N 'unspin' the cobwebs, or something more interesting than 'removed'?)
And cradled a picture of her mother
On the mantelpiece
Before wiping the dust away.
In her/their bedroom I ran
my fingers through Her scarves
and clothes. I liked one
('clothes' is a bit non-specific)
particular belt
With a butterfly clasp.
It felt cold and heavy.
(What's the significance of 'cold and heavy'? Like to see a bit more of N's willingness to intrude)
I loved her husband
something thick and desperate.
He looked like I thought men should.
I followed His dirty footprints
With my mop on the Linoleum.
(agree with whyellis that there needs to be more here)
Sometimes I thought
About stealing his cigars.
(and does N steal them? And why cigars? What's the attraction?)
Walking home I lost the money
she gave me. I spent the afternoon
retracing my steps,
(this should really echo the 'dirty footprints' but it doesn't quite.)
Honeysuckle in my nose and
wind burning my eyes.
I never did find that twenty.
(and so ... what?)
Best, Knot.
.
Hi penned.
I like the portrait of the narrator, but there are a couple of places where it seems either underwritten (L5-9, I don't think the envy/possessiveness is strong enough) or irrelevant (L20-22). And theending doesn't satisfy. Why does it matter that N didn't find the money? It didn't seem to be why she/he was cleaning the house in the first place.
Either all likes should begin with a capital, or just where it's necessary. My vote is for the latter.
When I was nineteen
I cleaned her house
Top to bottom.
For twenty bucks.
Washed away her boredom
With my greying sponge
(I think you need something better than 'greying', and isn't it 'wiped away'? And how does N's cleaning wash away her boredom? What, if any, was her interest in N?)
cleared lipsticked coffee cups
And dregs of wine,
(Anything better than dregs? Why was there wine remaining in the glasses? What got interrupted?)
Removed cobwebs from her corners.
(Couldn't N 'unspin' the cobwebs, or something more interesting than 'removed'?)
And cradled a picture of her mother
On the mantelpiece
Before wiping the dust away.
In her/their bedroom I ran
my fingers through Her scarves
and clothes. I liked one
('clothes' is a bit non-specific)
particular belt
With a butterfly clasp.
It felt cold and heavy.
(What's the significance of 'cold and heavy'? Like to see a bit more of N's willingness to intrude)
I loved her husband
something thick and desperate.
He looked like I thought men should.
I followed His dirty footprints
With my mop on the Linoleum.
(agree with whyellis that there needs to be more here)
Sometimes I thought
About stealing his cigars.
(and does N steal them? And why cigars? What's the attraction?)
Walking home I lost the money
she gave me. I spent the afternoon
retracing my steps,
(this should really echo the 'dirty footprints' but it doesn't quite.)
Honeysuckle in my nose and
wind burning my eyes.
I never did find that twenty.
(and so ... what?)
Best, Knot.
.