05-24-2020, 03:41 AM
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Hi penne,
some great images, and a strong evocation of mood. For me, though, there are a few (ok, more than a few) too many similies: the 'ill-fitting tie' and (after the intriguing 'small talk as dull as sparrows feathers') the less engaging, and repetitious feeling 'conversation as empty as puffed rice' spring to mind.
It could also stand a little pruning. So, with that in mind, and for my own convenience ...
Carmen broods like tea brews,
- love this as an opening. How important is the name?
the days stretching out like elastic.
- 'like elastic' is rather weak.
When the nurses come she shuts pretends to sleep,
their small talk dull as sparrow feathers.
Her mother has an obnoxious voice
wears her smirk like an ill-fitting tie.
- puzzled about the physical circumstances regarding Carmen, her mother, and the nurses.
Last night they lay awake listening
to the weight of their own breathing.
- not sure 'weight' is the best choice.
Carmen imagines her mother trapped
in a jam jar, pressing her hands to the glass
they both know one month in one room
is too long. She whispers to her marrow
wake up
she thinks she can hear her cells moving
under her skin, like London in summer.
she opens the vertical blind as if unveiling a secret.
Behind the car park a tree is turning toward Autumn,
- I think this line offers the strongest ending.
Having got this far, and enjoyed the journey, I don't think the title serves the piece that well.
Best, Knot
.
Hi penne,
some great images, and a strong evocation of mood. For me, though, there are a few (ok, more than a few) too many similies: the 'ill-fitting tie' and (after the intriguing 'small talk as dull as sparrows feathers') the less engaging, and repetitious feeling 'conversation as empty as puffed rice' spring to mind.
It could also stand a little pruning. So, with that in mind, and for my own convenience ...
Carmen broods like tea brews,
- love this as an opening. How important is the name?
the days stretching out like elastic.
- 'like elastic' is rather weak.
When the nurses come she shuts pretends to sleep,
their small talk dull as sparrow feathers.
Her mother has an obnoxious voice
wears her smirk like an ill-fitting tie.
- puzzled about the physical circumstances regarding Carmen, her mother, and the nurses.
Last night they lay awake listening
to the weight of their own breathing.
- not sure 'weight' is the best choice.
Carmen imagines her mother trapped
in a jam jar, pressing her hands to the glass
they both know one month in one room
is too long. She whispers to her marrow
wake up
she thinks she can hear her cells moving
under her skin, like London in summer.
she opens the vertical blind as if unveiling a secret.
Behind the car park a tree is turning toward Autumn,
- I think this line offers the strongest ending.
Having got this far, and enjoyed the journey, I don't think the title serves the piece that well.
Best, Knot
.