04-21-2020, 05:16 AM
Hello unpolished-
A lot of telling and little showing going on here, and that is where concrete images and details could really help.
The tone is flattened by the lack of details, as details spark interest.
The trick would be to show "love" without ever using the actual word. Yeah, not easy to do, and it requires concise, concrete language.
Please show me feelings instead of tellings me about them. If I say, "I am sad because my dog died", that doesn't show much. If I described my dog and how hard it was to put him down, my sadness would probably show (and I wouldn't even need to say, "I am sad because my dog died").
Please read this aloud to yourself and decide what should stay and what should go: ie edit fearlessly.
Thanks for putting this out there, or in here, and remember- pratice makes progress. Practice on this one and you'll be surprised where it may take you. Then, if you're surprised, I may be, too. That would be a good thing for both of us.
.... Mark
A lot of telling and little showing going on here, and that is where concrete images and details could really help.
The tone is flattened by the lack of details, as details spark interest.
The trick would be to show "love" without ever using the actual word. Yeah, not easy to do, and it requires concise, concrete language.
Please show me feelings instead of tellings me about them. If I say, "I am sad because my dog died", that doesn't show much. If I described my dog and how hard it was to put him down, my sadness would probably show (and I wouldn't even need to say, "I am sad because my dog died").
Please read this aloud to yourself and decide what should stay and what should go: ie edit fearlessly.
Thanks for putting this out there, or in here, and remember- pratice makes progress. Practice on this one and you'll be surprised where it may take you. Then, if you're surprised, I may be, too. That would be a good thing for both of us.
.... Mark