04-09-2020, 03:20 PM
Hello, Refused,
You have the beginnings of a good idea here: N is talking to her partner. A few thoughts:
1) A lot of the rhyme here feels forced, leading to awkward phrasing such as S5L3. Try the poem without rhyming first. As it is, forced end-rhyme, such as ‘words/birds’, makes the poem rather singsong, to my ear at least. You may also want to work on the metre. Try writing it in free verse or blank verse.
2) Some specifics would make the poem more concrete. For instance, instead of ‘songs of joy and sorrow’, what song was playing when the N first met her partner? (This doesn’t have to be real - you can make it up.). Similarly, “walking around” which town? Where did they go? Are there any significant places in their relationship that you could use to evoke the lost (or almost-lost) romance? ‘Heads up in the sky’ is still too close to ‘Heads in the clouds’ for my liking. And I admit, my first reaction was, “Isn’t your head always pointing towards the sky when you’re walking?”
At the moment, you do a lot of telling. For instance, from a reader’s perspective, S2 is flat, extraneous. It’s like saying, “We dated for six months, then we had our first kiss on July 22nd and after that we had sex.” Okay, but it doesn’t evoke any interesting images or emotions; it doesn’t tell me anything about N’s journey, or what makes the N’s relationship unique, or interesting, or worthwhile.
3) I really like S8L1 and 2. I think that’s an important aspect of your poem, and it caught my attention because it was so unusual: nostalgia for what you already have. It’s a very specific feeling. S8L3-5, again, are more specific than the rest of the poem. You might want to explore that - what does N imagine? Yes, kids, dogs and a farm, but what sort of dogs? Where would the farm be?
4) See if you can lose the cliches - all of S12. I get the sentiment behind the last two lines of S11, but I think you could convey that using imagery rather than cliche.
I hope this is somewhat helpful. I’m sure others can give more incisive and in-depth critique.
You have the beginnings of a good idea here: N is talking to her partner. A few thoughts:
1) A lot of the rhyme here feels forced, leading to awkward phrasing such as S5L3. Try the poem without rhyming first. As it is, forced end-rhyme, such as ‘words/birds’, makes the poem rather singsong, to my ear at least. You may also want to work on the metre. Try writing it in free verse or blank verse.
2) Some specifics would make the poem more concrete. For instance, instead of ‘songs of joy and sorrow’, what song was playing when the N first met her partner? (This doesn’t have to be real - you can make it up.). Similarly, “walking around” which town? Where did they go? Are there any significant places in their relationship that you could use to evoke the lost (or almost-lost) romance? ‘Heads up in the sky’ is still too close to ‘Heads in the clouds’ for my liking. And I admit, my first reaction was, “Isn’t your head always pointing towards the sky when you’re walking?”
At the moment, you do a lot of telling. For instance, from a reader’s perspective, S2 is flat, extraneous. It’s like saying, “We dated for six months, then we had our first kiss on July 22nd and after that we had sex.” Okay, but it doesn’t evoke any interesting images or emotions; it doesn’t tell me anything about N’s journey, or what makes the N’s relationship unique, or interesting, or worthwhile.
3) I really like S8L1 and 2. I think that’s an important aspect of your poem, and it caught my attention because it was so unusual: nostalgia for what you already have. It’s a very specific feeling. S8L3-5, again, are more specific than the rest of the poem. You might want to explore that - what does N imagine? Yes, kids, dogs and a farm, but what sort of dogs? Where would the farm be?
4) See if you can lose the cliches - all of S12. I get the sentiment behind the last two lines of S11, but I think you could convey that using imagery rather than cliche.
I hope this is somewhat helpful. I’m sure others can give more incisive and in-depth critique.