03-09-2020, 02:13 AM
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Hi Duke,
the revision is a definite improvement.
Not sure the rather 'choppy' first verse works that well, why not make it a bit more fluid and in keeping with the rest?
Also, how about making the first line thetitle? 'Guess' doesn't do much, for me.
The notion that the cattle (controversially black?)might be pleading etc seems unnecessary. Though the 'plantation' vibe
appears strong either way.
Like the ending (though 'puzzled buzzard' raised a smile).
What is a 'rushing interstate'? Busy?
The inadvertent 'away/lay' rhyme (L6) could be changed.
Just a thought ...
Mississippi Veterans' Cemetery
seen from the rushing Interstate:
a low off-white wall, green swale
surrounds one flagpole. One flag.
On either side, fenced away
black cattle lie heads turned
by interstate commotion
limbs deep-folded in sunny perfect rest.
Further on a buzzard circles
gobbets of cast-off retread
wondering how anything so obviously dead
could smell so bad.
Best, Knot
.
.
Hi Duke,
the revision is a definite improvement.
Not sure the rather 'choppy' first verse works that well, why not make it a bit more fluid and in keeping with the rest?
Also, how about making the first line thetitle? 'Guess' doesn't do much, for me.
The notion that the cattle (controversially black?)might be pleading etc seems unnecessary. Though the 'plantation' vibe
appears strong either way.
Like the ending (though 'puzzled buzzard' raised a smile).
What is a 'rushing interstate'? Busy?
The inadvertent 'away/lay' rhyme (L6) could be changed.
Just a thought ...
Mississippi Veterans' Cemetery
seen from the rushing Interstate:
a low off-white wall, green swale
surrounds one flagpole. One flag.
On either side, fenced away
black cattle lie heads turned
by interstate commotion
limbs deep-folded in sunny perfect rest.
Further on a buzzard circles
gobbets of cast-off retread
wondering how anything so obviously dead
could smell so bad.
Best, Knot
.
.