03-08-2020, 04:49 AM
Hello Brian Roberts,
I’m afraid this piece uses a lot of words without saying very much, or going into specific detail.
Title: What is the ‘Capitulating Fall’ and how can one commit suicide beneath a, or the, fall?
L1’s ‘share of’ needs an object - share of what? If you are talking about leaves falling here, why is ‘spring’ both capitalised and described as ‘rusted’? Spring (not being a metal) cannot be rusted. If you’re referring to the colour of the leaves, then a straightforward phrase such as ‘Red leaves fall onto the ground’ avoids confusion and makes more sense to your R (who is, after all, the person you’re writing the poem for). Similarly, which sage is being ‘haunted’ by spring and why? If the sage you are referring to is the herb, I am struggling to understand how a plant can be haunted by anything.
L4. What is a “frameless pane” and what does it mean to describe the sky as ‘leper’? Since ‘leper’ is an adjective, I’m assuming you meant ‘leprous’, but that also doesn’t make sense to me in this context - how is the sky like a leper?
L5’s ‘forth’ can be excised. I am assuming the ‘fissure draining the azure pool’ refers to a sunbeam (I.e. sunlight leaching the sky of colour), but it could equally refer to a literal pool, given that you talk about floods later on.
I have no clue what L6 means. How can the (I am assuming) bunches of twigs in L7 ‘stir’ the floodwaters, and what does ‘flood-licked’ mean? How does it relate to pale bird feathers, and why then does the oak ‘swoon its naked veins’? Moreover, like busker, I’m struggling to understand how anything can swoon veins. The oak can either ‘swoon’ (fall unconscious) or it can, say, split open.
In L10, I can overlook lungs ‘shrugging’, despite the odd expression, as poetic licence. But why are the scenes ‘staid’ as well as ‘soiled’?
L11 is interesting, actually, with the use of ‘banished’ and ‘twirl’ (a rather balletic image). It would be interesting to see the rest of the poem reworked to be less heavy-handed with the language.
L12: How can a gavel be ‘enbosomed’ and how can it ‘toll’ for anything?
I know this crit is rather detailed for basic, but I hope it has helped you in some respect. Keep writing and rewriting!
Best,
EWO
I’m afraid this piece uses a lot of words without saying very much, or going into specific detail.
Title: What is the ‘Capitulating Fall’ and how can one commit suicide beneath a, or the, fall?
L1’s ‘share of’ needs an object - share of what? If you are talking about leaves falling here, why is ‘spring’ both capitalised and described as ‘rusted’? Spring (not being a metal) cannot be rusted. If you’re referring to the colour of the leaves, then a straightforward phrase such as ‘Red leaves fall onto the ground’ avoids confusion and makes more sense to your R (who is, after all, the person you’re writing the poem for). Similarly, which sage is being ‘haunted’ by spring and why? If the sage you are referring to is the herb, I am struggling to understand how a plant can be haunted by anything.
L4. What is a “frameless pane” and what does it mean to describe the sky as ‘leper’? Since ‘leper’ is an adjective, I’m assuming you meant ‘leprous’, but that also doesn’t make sense to me in this context - how is the sky like a leper?
L5’s ‘forth’ can be excised. I am assuming the ‘fissure draining the azure pool’ refers to a sunbeam (I.e. sunlight leaching the sky of colour), but it could equally refer to a literal pool, given that you talk about floods later on.
I have no clue what L6 means. How can the (I am assuming) bunches of twigs in L7 ‘stir’ the floodwaters, and what does ‘flood-licked’ mean? How does it relate to pale bird feathers, and why then does the oak ‘swoon its naked veins’? Moreover, like busker, I’m struggling to understand how anything can swoon veins. The oak can either ‘swoon’ (fall unconscious) or it can, say, split open.
In L10, I can overlook lungs ‘shrugging’, despite the odd expression, as poetic licence. But why are the scenes ‘staid’ as well as ‘soiled’?
L11 is interesting, actually, with the use of ‘banished’ and ‘twirl’ (a rather balletic image). It would be interesting to see the rest of the poem reworked to be less heavy-handed with the language.
L12: How can a gavel be ‘enbosomed’ and how can it ‘toll’ for anything?
I know this crit is rather detailed for basic, but I hope it has helped you in some respect. Keep writing and rewriting!
Best,
EWO