A Suicide Beneath the Capitulating Fall

[busker]

It is tempting to write and write like a sixteenth century poet because the poems from back then...sound good, don't they. But the problem, and this poem is an illustration of that, is that we end up getting the language all mixed up. How does a vestige 'reverberate', whether nigh or afar? It's the sun that treads heaven, not the sunrise. The oak can't 'swoon its naked veins'....unless you meant 'sweep', because I don't see how you can make a part of your body unconscious.
It is okay to write in an archaic style, but you need to get the language nailed down, and your metaphors consistent.