Emily the death of me

[dukealien]

Duke,

Good idea to juxtapose, it could work either way. I just have a preference for a shorter line there and for me I guess the "yield up" seems to beg the question of to whom.

This is ballad meter, so yes line three "refusing pleas for more time" needs a syllable between "pleas" and "more", but I have no solution that does not seem forced. Do you have a suggestion?

Ah yes, the CR line, mostly for me. I do that in all of my poems. How did you notice it?

Thanks for giving it a look.


dale

Lately I've been looking at things in "source code" mode to get rid of the color and font cruft some word processors add.  It happened to turn up your white ink. (g)

Ending the line with "breath" is, perversely, inadmissible because of the rhyme with "Death."  Perhaps "refusing pleas for seconds more" or "moments more?"