Jordan Peterson - edit2

[dukealien]

edit2;

He floated comatose, becalmed
by physical dependency
benzodiazepine induced,
in artificial peace.

He rises pale but powerful,
addiction cured in Russian sleep,
bright river of uncommon sense
hostility had dammed.

---

Thanks for the continued critique.  Adding back the suggested elements, plus some rewording and rearranging.

.

Hi duke,

the revision has a lot of merit, but I do find I'm missing some of the details (the specific drugs, the Russians for instance, and the new title

rather undercuts the impact of the 'river' image.)

detached, forgetting - niggles at me a bit. If the former, how the latter? Probably just me.

Would 'memories' work (seems to give a slightly more fluid phrase than the singular).

Perhaps have this verse in the present tense also?

I think 'clear common sense' is over-egging this particular pudding (especially after 'sensible' - nicely played by the way

- compos mentis/speaking clearly, sensibly).

(you risk a groan with the pun at the end, but I think it's worth it )

He rises pale and sensible,

a bright river

his enemies have failed to damn


Best, Knot



.