Jordan Peterson - edit2

[Knot]

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Hi duke,
reluctant to dip my toes into this one, but feel better after the spoiler.
Perhaps my main suggestion would be to switch the order of the first
and second verses: it would seem to make more narrative sense.
Second, put it in the present tense (it would then flow better into S3,
I think.


He sleeps. Submerged by Russian drugs
in dreamless gray unconsciousness,
as if in Lethe’s after-death
- L2/3 essentially say the same thing. L3 is the stronger of
the two (is there an intended pun here? If so, why not '[modifier] waters'
instead of 'after-death'?)
Is it known that his sleep was 'dreamless'?
forgetting while his doctors cleansed
- 'forgetting' feels a little redundant after 'Lethe'
... by Russian drugs
as in Lethe's waters, while
his doctor's cleanse his body,
with it's poisoned memory ...
his body’s poisoned memory
of artificial peace.


He slept to quell his agony
- Not sure about 'quell'
Maybe ...
He sleeps. To quell the agony
of brain and nerves remembering
Benzodiazepine administered
to stifle sharp anxiety
...
of brain and nerves remembering
Benzodiazepine prescribed
to soothe his sharp anxiety
provoked by baseless infamy
- I'm guessing you need the biographical knowledge
to understand this line. Does it refer to the motivation
for his addiction? A bit of light googling throws up a
'food allergy' and/or 'wife's cancer' as the original reason/s
for the drugs.
to lotus-eater’s calm.


S3 seems rather weak (in comparison).
The 'hail the conquering hero' tone doesn't really
work after the first two verses. It's too much rant
too little poetry
Perhaps something that starts with
He wakes. To a world of mockery
...?


Best, Knot


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