Scajaquada v4

[bbcashdollar]

A lot to think about. Thanks. Hard for me to stay out of the weeds with this one. (See what I did there)

.

Hi bbc.

It has moved forward, but it's still too long, I think, and too much emphasis given to detail one could find in guide books and not enough

(though more and better in the revision) on N's reaction.

The first two verses don't engage (in either their detail or language). There's nothing that invites me in, or makes me want to stay. I'll have to think about that.

L24. I like the line, but it seems both misplaced and contradicted by the the I confess stanza is what the N felt prior to his "discovery". Have to find a way to make that clear.

L31. I'm getting lost on the 'trinity delta, black rock and island (are all three necessary in terms of identifying the location?). Yes, the sanctuary  is created between the 3 triangulated places.

L32. Do you mean 'an', not 'and'? AND

S4. There's too much going on in this verse, I'm not clear on what N is trying to say.  I was introducing Philip Kenjockety, and yes I meant to use refugeed as a verb.

Some suggestions ...


More than a Buffalo word                                 (makes for an interesting (and pronounceable ) title?) 


I discovered it, here

in Moffett’s Grove

among the songs

of male finches

and cicadas,

far from the headwaters

of its quiet springs                                               I get what you're trying to say, but 'mitigated' doesn't work. Actually hard/impossible to mitigate a spring, but all of the wetlands surrounding the springs were mitigated. IE filled in, with the promise of creating an equal amount of wetlands elsewhere. I took liberty of extending mitigation to the spring that fed them. My guess is they piped the spring/source downstream under the well-healed subdivisions they built on top of it. 

ska-dyoh-gwa-deh

“Beyond the Multitude”

more than an expressway

that segregates and divides

and more than a street

that marks like a headstone

ska-dyoh-gwa-deh

more than 76 spelling,

76 stories                                                                Any better phrasing for this? Probably

more than a creek

whose pronunciation sets us apart

ska-dyoh-gwa-deh

fewer than 50 native speakers left

a defeated people becoming myth

two miles downstream

Philip Kenjockety

- refugee grandson

of the defeated Kah-Kwahs -

lived with his family

the site of their wigwams

just northeast of the trinity delta,                        can 'delta' be cut? Not that I can see

was later zoned “M-2”

General Industrial District

benzene, toluene, xylene, lead,

cyanide, and PCB’s soaked the soil,

leached the creek bed                                          leached into? Also probably

& settled the wildlife's flesh


ska-dyoh-gwa-deh

sitting on the bank below the falls,

I lift defiled water in my hand

the ritual of affusion suffices                            What and how does it suffice? When the N lifts the water it reminds him of affusion (baptism by pouring water on the forehead) Affusion suffices only when there is no available source of living water (a natural flowing body of water). Although technically Sqajaquada qualifies as living water, after decades of poisoning and altering its hydrology the N doesn't think it qualifies. Baptism offers forgiveness, but not for the uninitiated, something the N would't know that it's not for the uninitiated.

ska-dyoh-gwa-deh I confess                            I think this should be addressed directly to the creek. 'You' not 'it' A draft or so ago it was in the 2nd person, but it felt uncomfortable. I can revisit it. 

I thought of you as a ditch,

a sewer, of flood-control for the mall

that destroyed your wetlands

when I though of you at all.

It’s not that I despised you

the way the city did

when they buried you back in the '20’s

I just didn’t care

ska-dyoh-gwa-deh

we no longer need your grasses

for baskets and fishing nets

Your role in turning back the British

is ancient history We have moved on

so we don't see the ancestors

gathering at your terminus                                  what do you mean by 'terminus'? Where the creek ends and enters the river. 


in the absence of living water

can reclamation lead to resurrection?

on most days, I’m just grateful

you don’t burn                                     I think this would be a good place to end. hmm



Hope this helps

Best, Knot

.