Seen at a Gate (was House Poor) - edit4

[Knot]

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Hi duke,

like the revision and the title change (though given the 'old-fashioned' feel

of the piece, you could just use the whole of the first line, couldn't you?).

Would it be worth presenting this as two five line verses? I think it would

allow for a more 'thoughtful' pause between 'each day?' and 'Or was he'.

Seen at a Gate

I passed an old man chipping at a gate

of iron, chiselling its coat of rust,

- not sure about 'coat' (there's usually something beneficial/protective

about a coat, isn't there?) and 'chiselling' just seems a repeat of 'chipping'.

of iron, scratching slowly at its rust ?

(If 'iron' isn't two syllables perhaps 'wrought iron'?)

and wondered what had made that work his fate.

- and wondered what had brought about his fate.

Might it ... ?

Could it be failure, poverty he must

confront by taking menial jobs each day?

- maybe

confront through such piecemeal jobs each day ?

Or was he house-poor, working on his own

- perhaps 'struggling' for 'working'? (You've had 'work' already).

dear residence because he couldn’t pay

- maybe 'prized' for 'dear'?

a younger laborer, so scraped alone?

- if you can stand it, 'toiled' for 'scraped'?

That place was grand: no meaner home, like mine,

has fences so demanding or so fine.

Best, Knot.

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