Seen at a Gate (was House Poor) - edit4

[dukealien]

edit4;

Seen at a Gate


I passed an old man chipping at a gate
of iron, chiseling its coat of rust,
and wondered what had made that work his fate.
Could it be failure, poverty he must
confront by taking menial jobs each day?
Or was he house-poor, working on his own
dear residence because he couldn’t pay
a younger laborer, so scraped alone?
That place was grand:  no meaner home, like mine,
has fences so demanding or so fine.

---

Thanks, @Mark, I definitely needed that bracing critique to get over the fence and the ancient   .  Hope this is moving in the right direction now.

"Mean" and "dear" are still  somewhat archaic in the senses used here, but perhaps introduce some moral ambiguity in their more modern connotations?

Hey duke-

I'm pretty rusty at offering crit but a couple things jumped out at me.

1- "this ancient" is an oddly archaic description of an old guy (like me) 
2- "this ancient thence" compounds the problem and seems to be a force in search of a rhyme 

This poem uses such language and turns-of-phrase that younger folks probably should not use - especially not if they want to relate to old guys (me again). 

I'd suggest worrying less about the rhyme scheme, and paying more attention to the story you're trying to tell.

Hope not too critical for "mild to moderate", but I was hoping for something to be better able to grab onto (or have grab on to me).

I see what you're going for, and hope you get there.
Thanks,
... Mark