Scajaquada v4

[bbcashdollar]

Thanks. Definitely food for thought.

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Hi bbc,

it really comes into its own in the final five stanzas (or so), but the opening is a bit too dry.

Why are bikinis 'appropriately black'? I was also confused with how much the watercourse represented Kenjockty, or vice versa

(and the deliberate(?) omission of Creek from the title didn't help).

That you don't start the piece at the 'source' but somewhere in/under Buffalo, might require an explanation.

Some of the phrasing could be improved, for instance

by his Seneca name

Ska-dyoh-gwa-deh

“Beyond the Multitude”

the creek would later be called

the (bold) construction is too convoluted, I think.

and some parts just seem included for information, rather than 'value', e.g.

we no longer needed your famous grasses for your once famous baskets

your role to defeat the British, no longer mattered

you could edit that stanza to

I just didn’t care

that at your mouth gathered

long-forgotten ancestors

I'd suggest beginning with 'two miles downstream' (though, downstream from what?), and move from past to present over the

course of the piece (and end on 'forgive').

Best, Knot

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