Seen at a Gate (was House Poor) - edit4

[dukealien]

edit3;

House Poor

I passed an old man chipping at a fence
of iron, slowly scaling off its rust,
and wondered what had brought this ancient thence–
could he be destitute, so poor he must
find menial jobs to earn his keep each day?
Or was he house-poor, working on his own
last residence because he couldn’t pay
a younger man to help, and scraped alone?
That place was grand:  no cheaper home, like mine,
has fences so demanding or so fine.

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Thanks for the further critique.  I've made a few minor changes,  but find I'm fairly satisfied with it at this point.

Not to be defensive, but

I'm not thrilled with "thence," either, but I believe it conforms to your first usage, i.e. the old man wasn't at the fence before but has come there (the fence previously mentioned) at that moment.  E.g. "he sent men who brought him thence," KJV.  I'm not there now (I've already passed by), otherwise it would be "hence," i.e. "The prophet said, 'Bring thy other son hence.'"

I thought about exchanging "ancient" and "old man," but "an ancient" doesn't flow well for me; besides, why introduce that archaism so early?  There will be plenty along in a line or two   .

Your critiques have made a big difference, and are much appreciated.

.

Hi duke,

I'm not sure 'ancient' fixes anything (it's just a repeat of 'old man') and I'm becoming less and less convinced by 'thence'

- there are two possible meaning for that, as far as I can tell

From a place or source previously mentioned or As a consequence.

and neither seems to fit.

Might it be worth rearranging the deckchairs?

I passed by a fence where an old man chipped

the iron, slowly scaling off its rust

and wondered were he perhaps a conscript

of circumstance, ill-starred, so poor he must

Still not convinced by 'last residence', 'proud' perhaps?

And maybe 'His place' for 'That place' (one more alliterative 'h' for the final couplet? )

'Grand' is an improvement, I think. (Shame 'swell' has dropped out of fashion )

Best, Knot

.